It was the end of a long week, chalked full of more than a few disappointments for each of us.
Tired, but committed to family time, we decided to try and lighten the mood with a game of Dirty Marbles. (It’s like the old board game Aggravation, but a few of the rules are bent to keep it interesting and fun.)
Half-way through the game, I was ready to win, with all but one marble home.
“It’s your turn, Kiddo.” I could feel the frustration oozing off my son as he looked at the board and then at his dice.
I wonder why he doesn’t just change dice. There’s a whole pile of possibilities over there.
And then, as if to answer my unspoken question, he smiled and declared, “My dice has a plan for me!”
I laughed, thinking about how close that was to a cliché he had probably never heard, and then caught my breath as his dice seemed to suddenly “come alive” and put him back in the game.
It didn’t take more than five minutes of play for the whole board to turn in his favor, and then he won. His dad and I looked at each other dumbfounded.
“See, Mom! I told you – my dice has a plan for me!” He smiled, kissed my cheek, and ran upstairs to get ready for bed.
As I watched him run up the stairs, I heard the still, small voice speak to my very tired soul, “Amanda, there IS a Plan.”
I took a deep breath and let the tears fall for the second time that day, as my mind drifted back over the last 6 months.
After more than 3 years of steady, predictable, and unbelievably exciting growth, expansion, and “flow” in my self and my business, the tide turned to an “ebb.”
Now, I know about cycles. In fact, the cycles found in nature are a big part of the process I practice and share with my community. But this one…this one has lasted waaaaaaaaaay longer than all the rest…
And, for six months, I’ve vacillated between fear and love, anger and surrender, sadness and knowing.
As I sat there at the game table, I realized something…
The fear, the anger, and the sadness come when I am trying to label what’s happening. Maybe it’s because I believe this or that. Maybe it’s because I am doing something wrong? Maybe it’s because…So, I adjust my thinking, or my behavior, trying to get a different result…trying to get back into the flow…
Doesn’t that sound like me changing dice to see which one will roll the number I want to see, trying to control something that is clearly out of my control?
But the love, the surrender, and the knowing come when I get out of my head and let go of the need to know why and how…
They come when I practice my own message and create a safe space to drop into my heart and allow myself to feel the feelings as they come…
…when I stop resisting the need to curl up for a good cry or scream into and pound my pillow until I have nothing left…
…when I surrender to the way the board looks (with everyone else moving forward and winning) and yet find a way to declare, “There is a plan for me!”
…and especially when I remember the first time I experienced this type of anger, pressure, and fear after failing to get certified in a 1-year training program…
It took me 2 more years – a total of 3 – to heal what I needed to heal and learn what I needed to learn to move on. And no amount of thinking, calculating, pushing, or forcing helped me to speed it up.
And now, when I look back on those 3 years, I am grateful that I was there for every minute of it. The lessons I learned will never leave me. The healing I experienced can never be undone. The unconditional love and safety I experienced for all that time is the reason I am able to hold that type of space for others as they come into my community to write their stories, heal their hearts, and let go of the limitations….
Ah yes…there WAS a plan for me then…and there IS a plan for me now!
Soon, the tide is going to turn…and the “Dice” is going to reveal its plan for my good…
But for now, I’m going to curl up in this Cocoon and do the work that’s right in front of me:
Love myself and those in my space…oh, and keep taking the inspired steps toward my next dream for my family and True to Intention…
How about you?
Are you dealing with any major or minor disappointments?
How do you handle the anger, fear, and sadness when they come?
I’d love for you to share your AHAs, insights, and challenges BELOW with the rest of the Upside-Down True to Intention community!
It’s way more fun to be upside-down together!
Upside-Down Love to You ALL!