My First Message

It was 10pm, and I was stalling. She’d been asleep for almost an hour on my shoulder, but I didn’t want to put her down. I loved the smell of her breath, the way she cuddled into my neck, and how she always fell asleep with her hand over my heart – as though my steady heartbeat comforted her enough that she could relax and rest. This was my favorite time of day…

Just a few more minutes. Then I’ll put her in bed and finish up my Bible homework.  I don’t know what I’m going to do for tomorrow’s devotion anyway.   

Knowing that I was going to take more than the few minutes I promised, I sat down on the cool linoleum, propped myself against the refrigerator, closed my eyes, and leaned my head back, allowing myself to enjoy the moment.

“She’s perfect, isn’t she?” It was the first time I heard the voice.

Yes, she is.

 “And you love her?”

Yes.

 “How much?”

I’d do anything for her.

“Anything?”

Anything.

“Even when she turns two and starts to say, ‘I want…’ and ‘No!’?”

I hope so.

“Even when she challenges you and runs away?”

As soon as I heard the voice say “runs away”, I saw a short movie-like scene roll through my imagination. I was on the edge of a playground, watching her play. When I saw that her shoelace was untied, I yelled across the playground for her to stop running, but she couldn’t hear me over the excitement of reaching the swings. I could see the fall coming, but she couldn’t hear me. Crash! She hit her cherub face on the steel post and started crying. I ran over to her and wrapped my arms around her, trying to calm her down. Thank heavens it was only in my imagination!

“Would you be angry with her?”

No. I didn’t feel angry. I felt scared for her and, I guess, frustrated that I couldn’t save her from that pain.

“Did you think she was trying to ignore you? Why didn’t you scold her?”

She didn’t seem to know any better. She was excited and didn’t know her laces were untied.

“Do you know how much I love you?”

As much as I love her? I smiled at the thought that someone could love me so much.

“More. But you don’t understand that my love for you is exactly like your love for her. You’re so scared to make mistakes because you’ve been told it makes me angry, but it doesn’t. You don’t know what you don’t know. And with what you do know, I see you out there, doing your best. You are allowed to make mistakes and grow and learn and stumble and get up again, Amanda. Give yourself the same grace you would give to her, and know that I already do. And when you’re tired, you can do the same thing she does – crawl into an open embrace and go to sleep to the sound of my steady, unconditional love.”

Overwhelmed, I let the tears roll down my cheeks. It was the first time I felt LOVE wrap itself around me and give me permission to take the risk to just be me in every moment. And it felt like a risk to me. I was the daughter who wanted to make her parents proud. I was the big sister that prayed to be a good model for my siblings. I was the leader at school and in my youth group that adults were expecting to set an example for my peers. I was the friend who didn’t have all the answers for many who were dealing with depression, substance abuse, and traumas of every kind. It was a risk because I didn’t always know “the right thing to do or say” in every moment, and I had felt paralyzed by fear that I would disappoint, or worse, do harm.

But there, on the floor of my kitchen, my little sister became my teacher – inspiring the beginning of my message of Unconditional Love, Worth, and Purpose.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know, but I would learn. And with what I did know, I’d do my best, knowing that the love wouldn’t waver when I stumbled.

Thank you.

“Now go write it all down so you can share it tomorrow in Bible Class. They are scared too.”

 


4 thoughts on “My First Message”

  1. Jackie VanCampen

    Amanda,

    This is so TOUCHING – I had tears in my eyes! Not only is it touching, but it encourages me to keep taking those risks that the core of my being is calling forth, knowing that greatness lies just outside the comfort zone. It’s scary and yet exciting. Scary because I feel I have to answer to others should I fail. Exciting because I know I’m living my soul’s purpose. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and inspiring blog. I hope others will read this and have the courage to take a chance on their dreams. xoxo

  2. I am so proud of you, Amanda! When we met one year ago, you announced at Lisa’s “Speak and Write” seminar that you “had a book” in you but were too afraid to write it… too afraid to risk speaking your own voice. Your tears revealed a deeper wound and afterwards I shared a personal visual with you about rocking the baby of your inner child to heal the wounds of your past. The simple fact that your words… your voice… now appear in public on this blog is evidence you’ve done that!!!! BRAVO to you! I’m so, so happy for your joy! Always remember… although that mountain called FEAR may be a monster to climb, with each step you take, the sole of your boot is crushing the beast beneath you….step after step after step, one brave and mighty step at a time! Warmest best wishes!! Dawn-Marie

    1. Thank you, Dawn-Marie, for the words you spoke last year and for these here!

      This means sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to me!

      I pray all is well with you.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top