“Can you talk? I need to process something.” It was early, even for her, to be sending me a text for support. She must be way upside down. I decided to just call her back.
“Hey, Sister, what’s up?”
“I can’t stop crying, and it doesn’t make any sense. I couldn’t work yesterday…I can’t concentrate…I feel like I’m letting everyone down…” I listened closely, hearing what she was saying and not saying, and feeling her grief through her words.
“What do you think the emotion is about?”
“I don’t know. I am so blessed! My experience at the retreat this last weekend filled me with gratitude and excitement. All I want to do is work on getting this message to the people who need it.” As soon as I heard those words, I knew what was happening…because it happened to me a little more than two years ago.
“Do you think you might be grieving?”
“Grieving?!? What would I be grieving? There’s all this great stuff happening. What do I have to grieve about?” She was trying to wrap her head around the possibility but had no idea where I was going.
“I know, it sounds really strange. We’ve been taught that grief happens after a tragedy or trauma – the death of a loved one, a friendship, a job, etc. – but the grief process is part of growth and pursuing and manifesting a dream. To say YES to your dream, you have to say NO to everything else. To say YES to your purpose, you have to LET GO of older, smaller dreams that may have been unbelievably amazing when they first appeared in your life. Two years ago, I had to let go of the most incredible job I’d ever had up until that point. What could be better than facilitating transformation in teen lives for a living? But there was another plan – another dream that had been bubbling under the surface, calling me to say YES. But I had to let go of the older dream first.”
“So, you’re saying that I may be grieving my old dreams – maybe this job that I’m in right now because I’m being called to let go?”
“Yes, and there are probably people around you who are already grieving your departure. Intention is powerful. You’re still there, but your heart, your energy, and your dream is somewhere else. People can feel that, and they react to it, even if they don’t know what it is they’re reacting to. Some start to feel abandoned before departure is even mentioned because there is an emotional, energetic departure that happens inwardly before we make a physical move. Is there anyone acting out for no good reason?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, there are.”
“So, what do I do?”
“Prepare to say Goodbye. Prepare your own heart. Allow the grief process to happen. Know that you are grieving more than an old dream, a job, and the friendships that may or may not continue. You are grieving an older, “safer” version of you and saying YES to allowing more of you to show up in the world…”
It always happens like that. I say something and then I am asked to own it again and again.
Last week, more of Amanda Johnson showed up and said YES to playing bigger than I ever dreamed possible.
And yesterday morning, the older, “safer” version of Amanda tried to talk me out of all of it…
What were you thinking? You just said all of that out loud!?!
What if you can’t do it? What if you disappoint them? What if you fail?
What will your clients think? What will your mentors think?
Who do you think you are?
It’s a good question. “Who do I think I am?”
My only answer yesterday and today is…
I am a Messenger.